DIVORCE MEDIATION
You have decided to end your marriage. It’s been the hardest decision you ever had to make. Your relationship has deteriorated so that no matter how hard you try to put things right, it keeps falling off the tracks. You are both suffering and want the pain to stop.
You also want to end your marriage with dignity and mutual respect. Maybe you’d both like to remain friends and preserve whatever was good in your relationship. Or, just say goodbye without bitterness. If you have children, you also want to be able to be good parents to them long after the two of you are apart. You also want to look forward to a future in which you can realize your cherished hopes and dreams - the ones you had to put on hold and thought would never happen. To reach those goals, you may have to learn new ways of speaking with each other, ways that reduce hostility and encourage cooperation. And you definitely don’t want to spend a fortune slugging it out in court. In short, you want a "good divorce."
DIVORCE MEDIATION is designed to help you achieve those goals. The most important thing to remember about mediation is that you and your spouse will have ownership of the decision-making process. My job is to help you by Being your trusted, impartial tour guide on this crucial journey to the next stage of your lives;
Encouraging you to pursue open, honest and transparent negotiations;
Keeping you both focused on moving forward in resolving your divorce issues;
Helping each of you to come as close as possible to achieving your life goals after the divorce;
Supporting you in your efforts to remain effective co-parents beyond the divorce.
Here are some of the ways we will do that together:
I will be your impartial mediator. That means I will listen carefully to each of you with an open mind. I will also help you learn how to listen - really listen - to what the other is saying, so that you both can concentrate on solving your problems, not finding fault with each other’s solutions.
If communications are difficult between you, I will teach you techniques to overcome that barrier, so that long after the mediation is over, you will have the tools to avoid needless future confrontation.
We will work together in assessing your finances. You will bring me a number of documents, such as tax returns, pay stubs, retirement account statements, property deeds, etc. You will also provide me with information about your bank accounts, investments, credit card debts, and other aspects of your lives that will play an important part in achieving a fair settlement.
After I have evaluated your financial situation, we will review those findings together. We will take a realistic look at the financial pie, and you will start the important work of dividing it fairly.
Our goal is to have you both leave the marriage in as good financial shape as possible. We will devise creative solutions in order to make that goal a reality. We will begin by creating options that address the issues. That process is also called "brainstorming." Put simply, you will each toss out ideas for discussion. At this stage, no criticism or comments are made. No judgments! Remember, you’re in a safe environment. Later, we will start discussing the options you just created. The wonderful thing about non-judgmental brainstorming is that out of the many ideas you ultimately reject, you will invariably find a few that are gems. When you do, it’s like finding the rare pearl hidden in one of a thousand oysters. And then you’re on your way to an agreement that will last.
You will have the option of tapping into a "circle of help" during your mediation. The circle consists of trained mediation divorce specialists in the area of finance, children, and client communications. The Financial Specialist can help, for example, with the valuation of your retirement accounts, and the most tax effective way to divide them. Child Specialists are mental health professionals whose job it is to help you with the delicate tasks of telling the children about the divorce, explaining the changes that it will bring to their lives, and providing the emotional support they will need to successfully make the transition to a restructured family system. Divorce Coaches can offer valuable insights when emotional difficulties prevent either or both of you from performing at your best during the mediation sessions. They can help when problems with communication are impeding your progress. We will discuss these options and you can choose whether or not to use them.
If you have children under 18, we will work on a Parenting Plan. We will brainstorm ideas to make the best plan possible for you and your kids. The plan will specify how much time each of you will spend with your kids. It makes no difference if they will be living primarily with mom or dad. Connecticut requires both parents to be a part of that plan.
The Parenting Plan will also go into detail about the rights and responsibilities you have concerning health insurance, medical decisions, and other major decision-making concerning the children. More brainstorming - more tossing ideas onto the table without criticizing them or making judgments. Two of the most important areas we will discuss during your mediation sessions are when and how to introduce a "significant other" to the children; and how to handle a permanent change of address, also known as relocation.
If we reach an impasse during the negotiations, I will suggest various ways of breaking free of it, such as meeting with each of you separately, and using some advanced mediation techniques.
We will discuss serving and filing your divorce papers. You will decide the best time to start the case. I will draft the papers, explain them to you, and arrange to have them "served" on whichever of you is the defendant. You will proceed as self-represented parties, and I will prepare you for your divorce hearing. If you wish, I will go with you to the hearing. We’ll talk about this when we meet.
Everything that happens during your mediation will be voluntary. Each of you will have an absolute veto over the proceedings. Nothing will be coerced. I will not impose any settlement terms. Part of my work will be to help you get to "yes" by narrowing the differences between you, in order to reach a principled agreement. And everything we do or say will be with care and concern for the happiness of everyone affected by this life-changing passage: husband, wife and children. At this early stage of your mediation, "care" and "concern" may be concepts that are hard to envision. But since mediation is a respectful method of resolving problems, the process itself will help bring out the best in both of you. You might be surprised how powerful a generous heart can be in achieving a generous settlement. And the problem-solving skills you learn in mediation can last a lifetime.
We will resolve any problems that surface during the negotiations without court intervention. It makes good sense that the people who know the issues best should be the ones to address them. So, rather than asking a judge, who knows nothing about your circumstances, and even less about your concerns, your hopes and vision for the future, to solve your problem, we will do the heavy lifting together.
Before committing to mediate your divorce you should ask these 2-questions:
1) How long will it take? and 2) How much will it cost? The 2-questions are linked. The answer to the first question is that your mediation will last only as long as it takes you and your spouse to reach agreement on all the issues you need resolved, and not a minute longer. And, I will go at your pace. The more you are in agreement, the shorter the process. Which brings us to the question of cost. The less time we need to get to "yes," the more money you will save.
Here’s how the 2-questions are linked: If you bring an agreement on all the issues to our first mediation session, I will need only to review it, make sure you understand all the legal and tax consequences of your agreement, draft the court papers and the required financial affidavits, put your agreement into the proper legal form, and prepare you for your divorce hearing.
If you prefer to do some of those things yourself, I can act as your divorce coach and show you how to accomplish them. That will cost you even less. I will be happy to discuss any of your questions directly and confidentially. Just give me a call at 203-373-1381, and we’ll spend as much time as you need to speak together.
Thanks for spending the time with me today.
Harold
Attorney Harold Brienes 203-373-1381
Serving the people of Connecticut for 27-years
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